Amidst a loneliness epidemic, no one wants to rule out new connections. Loneliness is not just unpleasant—it’s actually bad for your health—and that fact becomes even more important as you age. A lack of social connection can lead to weaker immune response, increased inflammation, and contribute to chronic illnesses like heart disease, among many other things. As a result, it’s common to hear researchers and experts urging individuals to prioritize your social health right alongside your physical and mental health. Social health expert and author of The Art and Science of Connection Kasley Killam has even created something called the 5-3-1 rule, which serves as a rubric for social fitness:
5: Spending time with five different people a week. This could be anyone from your gym buddy or book club bestie to the person the next pew over at your church.
3: Nurturing three close relationships. Here, Killam is talking about maintaining the tightest bonds in your life, usually with family and dear friends.
1: Aiming for one hour of social interaction a day. It doesn’t have to be all at once— it could be 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there, and can be combined with errands or other activities.
But even Kasley recognizes that it is deeply important to maintain boundaries for your social exercise, and that too is especially important as you age. Many studies have shown that a person’s core traits tend to remain constant throughout life—meaning, if you were an introvert when you were younger, odds are you will be later in life. As such, you shouldn’t feel you have to change your nature in order to socialize more. Forcing yourself into social situations can actually be working against your mental wellbeing, as being stressed defeats the purpose of socializing. Make sure you are comfortable with the level of engagement and have the chance to back off or do something else if it doesn’t feel right.
“It's really important to have boundaries. It's actually socially healthy to have boundaries, and related to this idea that not all connection is good connection, is the fact that some of us need less socializing than others,” shares Kasley. “So introverts don't need the same quantity of connection as extroverts, and that's okay too. It also is socially healthy to spend some alone time and to recharge your own batteries in solitude.”
So how do you ensure that you’re creating connections that are benefitting your unique needs? Here are some tips to keep in mind:
Know your boundaries. You may be more comfortable with social settings that have a defined beginning, middle, and end. Introverts are often not comfortable with uncertainty about when something will end, and these boundaries help them engage in conversation.
Control the setting. If going out is not easy, have people come to you. For instance, invite someone to your home for dinner, or have a small group over to watch the game. This puts you in control of the environment as well as the amount of socializing.
Focus on activities. Signing up for class at a local college or community center can help you place your energy and attention on the activity rather than conversing with others.
Join a club. Find an organization based on your personal interests or hobbies, like a golf league, civic club, or volunteer group. It can be easier to interact with people who share your passions.
Socialize from afar. Social media is another way to stay connected—just make sure you keep it in moderation. For example, Facebook has groups devoted to specific activities or interests that people can join and participate in at whatever level they wish. You can watch from afar and choose when to interact, and come and go as you please, without the worry of commitment.
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